Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Speaking up for Myself

Before Dave left in August, many people told me they were here to support me and if I ever felt down or lonely they would come over and keep me company. People offered to watch Jordan so I could go out and have some alone time. In the 3 months since Dave has been gone I went out 3 times... once with my sister, once with a friend for my birthday, and once (for only an hour) for a close friend's going away get-together. 3 times in 3 months... Now, let me tell you how many times I've hung out with a friend when I was lonely... 7 times. 3 times with 1 friend, 3 times when my best friend and her family were in town, and 1 time with another. That makes 10 times total I saw people other than Jordan, my parents, or while I was at work. No... make that 11, someone stopped by once to help me take the a/c's out of the window (THANK YOU, btw =) )

Now, let me tell you how many times I have sat at home lonely... 73 days. 1 month of that I kept my mouth shut (except for a blog post here or there, and a few emails to close friends) while I sat at home crying myself to sleep or wondering if my husband was ok. I wondered when a friend was going to call to see how I was doing, or to say, hey, find a babysitter and we'll go out this weekend. Eventually I got over the crying stage and into a good routine with Jordan, found things to keep me occupied after she had gone to bed (nothing very productive, unfortunately). The past month has been a bit easier since I can talk to Dave every night, but those calls don't last too long and I eventually find myself alone, in a quiet apartment.

I have come to terms recently that this is my fault. How are people to know what I am feeling if I never talk about it? How are they to know I want to hang out if I don't ask them to? I have an amazing group of friends whom I talk to on a daily basis via internet, but 2 of them are out of the country, one lives in another state, and the last has 3 children (and a husband, need I say more... no, we do get together, today was fun!!!). My best friend has moved even farther away and has a very busy life. Another close friend just moved to Florida. It seems my number of available to hang out friends has dwindled. And how the heck is a pregnant mother of one supposed to make new friends? Its not going to happen. So if I want to stop sitting at home sulking every day, I need to let my needs be voiced. Only I can do this. But how?? I have tried to hint but maybe they are too subtle because I still don't get invites. In fact, one day I actually said "I NEED to hang out with people" and nothing... nada... was that not clear enough?

No wonder I've gained as much as I have with this pregnancy, food seems to be my only friend these lonely nights.


Dani said...

While I can't even imagine how horrible it must be to be missing your husband, I can understand feeling lonely.

It seems now that these two little surprises have enter our lives, we don't see many friends anymore. Most of our friends have children around Zac's age, so taking a toddler to visit at their homes is just not a fun or relaxing time, one of us is always up and about chasing after her.

And I'm so there with you with the food, being home alone those few days a week, when I do get a second to myself it seems I go right for some comfort food.

Sending you some hugs!!

katherineolivia said...

Kate if I could afford a trip home I would take you out! Please dont feel bad about the weight gain...I gained 50lbs! In fact last night I ate 7 Oreo double stuffs and I'm not even close to being preggo!!! Oh yeah, I too sit at home alone...even with DH there I might as well be home alone as we really dont even talk!

Wish I were there in Pittsburgh! Sending you a HUG anyway!