Before Dave left in August, many people told me they were here to support me and if I ever felt down or lonely they would come over and keep me company. People offered to watch Jordan so I could go out and have some alone time. In the 3 months since Dave has been gone I went out 3 times... once with my sister, once with a friend for my birthday, and once (for only an hour) for a close friend's going away get-together. 3 times in 3 months... Now, let me tell you how many times I've hung out with a friend when I was lonely... 7 times. 3 times with 1 friend, 3 times when my best friend and her family were in town, and 1 time with another. That makes 10 times total I saw people other than Jordan, my parents, or while I was at work. No... make that 11, someone stopped by once to help me take the a/c's out of the window (THANK YOU, btw =) )
Now, let me tell you how many times I have sat at home lonely... 73 days. 1 month of that I kept my mouth shut (except for a blog post here or there, and a few emails to close friends) while I sat at home crying myself to sleep or wondering if my husband was ok. I wondered when a friend was going to call to see how I was doing, or to say, hey, find a babysitter and we'll go out this weekend. Eventually I got over the crying stage and into a good routine with Jordan, found things to keep me occupied after she had gone to bed (nothing very productive, unfortunately). The past month has been a bit easier since I can talk to Dave every night, but those calls don't last too long and I eventually find myself alone, in a quiet apartment.
I have come to terms recently that this is my fault. How are people to know what I am feeling if I never talk about it? How are they to know I want to hang out if I don't ask them to? I have an amazing group of friends whom I talk to on a daily basis via internet, but 2 of them are out of the country, one lives in another state, and the last has 3 children (and a husband, need I say more... no, we do get together, today was fun!!!). My best friend has moved even farther away and has a very busy life. Another close friend just moved to Florida. It seems my number of available to hang out friends has dwindled. And how the heck is a pregnant mother of one supposed to make new friends? Its not going to happen. So if I want to stop sitting at home sulking every day, I need to let my needs be voiced. Only I can do this. But how?? I have tried to hint but maybe they are too subtle because I still don't get invites. In fact, one day I actually said "I NEED to hang out with people" and nothing... nada... was that not clear enough?
No wonder I've gained as much as I have with this pregnancy, food seems to be my only friend these lonely nights.