Dave

A few people asked me today how I am "holding up" since Dave left for boot camp so I thought I'd post and save myself the trouble of repeating myself (not that these particular people even read my blog... does anyone???). Anyway, I am ok. By ok I mean, some moments of the day I hardly think about it and some moments I feel as though my world is spiraling out of control. Here is my typical day in regards to Dave.

Mornings are easy. I am so busy trying to get Jordan and I ready and out the door that I don't think about anything else.

Walk from car to work is about 15-20 minutes depending on how bad ligament pain is (worse pain = slower I walk). I have yet to update my ipod in the past month... so I am left to walk by myself and my own thoughts at a time when no one else is going to appreciate a phone call (7:30am). So I think about Dave. I think about how this is what he did every morning last year after dropping me and Jordan off at work/daycare. I take my phone out of my purse and am about to hit "talk" to call Dave to help the time pass as I walk. But I can't. He's not going to answer his phone that is sitting, turned off, on our dining room table. I think about all the things I would be saying to him and wish I could write them down right then and there but I can't walk and write or it would take me forever to get to work... so many thoughts don't even make it onto paper for him to read.

8a-4p I work. I mostly try to concentrate on my tasks, but my mind wanders and I think about what he could possibly be doing at that moment. When I eat lunch I think about what Dave might be eating. I think about more things to say to him but I can't because he won't see my text message or email. Usually at some point I drop a letter in the mailbox for him if I completed one the night before.

4p-4:30p I walk to the car... usually more difficult than the morning walk because it is so hot. There are only so many people I can call to use up this time without getting on their case. So yet again I think about Dave and have to stop myself from calling him.

I pick Jordan up... resist the urge to call Dave and tell him how her day was (I used to do that every afternoon when he was in school since he often came home after she went to bed). Dinner time is pretty easy. After that I usually start to write a letter to Dave unless Jordan and I go out for a walk or over to my parents house. I think about him, but its usually fleeting.

Around 8pm Jordan goes to bed. I play a video of Dave reading her a book or tell her how much her daddy loves her and at that moment he's thinking of her and sending her lots of kisses. I usually tear up about now and my voice quivers. I wish desperately that he could kiss her goodnight.

Then I can't sleep. I shower, or do dishes or tidying up. But its hard to keep the tears away. I await anxiously by my phone, hoping maybe Dave will get to call for a few minutes. I keep it on my constantly. Loud volume and vibrate. But deep down I know he won't call. I know I won't get to tell my husband that I love him and I am glad he is my family. I regret not telling him this all the time before he left. I wish he could hold me and tell me that I am strong. There are so many things I want to tell him but can't in person, so I write to him. I tell him silly things about my day, boring things, anything that I think of I write until I can't write anymore. Then I try to sleep. My bed is so empty. I don't hear him snoring. I know I will just wake up tomorrow and he will still be gone.

I have gone one day in the past 8 days without crying. Everyone tells me it will get easier, and I am sure it will. In 8 weeks I will see him at his graduation. Then a few weeks after that I will drive to Virginia to bring him his computer, cell phone, tubas, whatever else he needs.
But in the mean time I have to be strong for my sake and Jordan's. I just keep telling her about her daddy and showing her pictures and videos so she won't forget.

And now that I am having a hard time seeing through my tears I will go.